Home » Programs » Walking with Jesus » Forgive and Remember

Forgive and Remember

From time to time, people ask me about forgiveness. One of the things that nearly always comes up centres on the phrase "forgive and forget." Some say that if you don't forget, you haven't forgiven. Others say that though they've forgiven, they can't forget. I've come to see some benefit in forgiving and making a point to remember.

Believe it or not, I find it relatively easy to slip into an old grudge. Sometimes, we carry bitterness around for so long that it starts to seem normal. Then in a moment of crisis, a confrontation clears the air. Confession is made and forgiveness granted. Things are wonderful... for a while. Then little by little, ever so gradually, so gradually you don't notice, you slip back into the old patterns of relating. The mode of relating begins to reflect the old bitterness.

If this happens, you may wonder what's going wrong as you continue down the slope of unhappy relating. The danger is that in "forgiving and forgetting" you don't take time to securely establish a new way of relating based on forgiveness offered and received. In your haste to put a sad, difficult, perhaps embarrassing episode behind you, you fail to build a new foundation on which your relationship can continue.

Once on a pastoral visit, a woman told me about how angry she was with a (former) friend who had, without doubt, wronged her. As we talked, she used the word "hate" to express the depth of her feelings. I was a little concerned with this and broached the possibility of forgiveness. She assured me that she fully intended to forgive this woman and expected that one day soon she would. She said, "Maybe later tonight, maybe tomorrow, just not right now." Clearly she understood that there was some process to forgiving. It is more than just a matter of saying the right words. Any words that are said have to accurately reflect genuine feelings. I commend her willingness to do the hard work of processing the hurt to arrive at authentic forgiveness, as well as her vulnerability to tell me about it.

I know if she ever had to extend forgiveness to me, it would be the real thing, not merely the "right words" delivered thoughtlessly. This tendency to be glib about forgiveness is one of the things that leads us into difficulties after we "forgive and forget." When we open ourselves to acknowledge the pain the other has inflicted on us so that we can process it and then offer real forgiveness, we are unlikely to quickly forget the exercise. Hence, I conclude that forgiving and remembering that the issue was dealt with - confessed and forgiven is preferable to forgiving and forgetting.

It has been a point of interest to me that Jesus carried the scars of the crucifixion out of the grave. His encounter with Thomas, recorded in John 20, underscores this. He bears, in his glorified body, marks which will forever point to His sacrificial act for us - the price of forgiveness.

Ron Hughes
© June 2007